Cat Woman/Transcript
(Hugo is in his office in the evening and hears someone outside in the hallway) Hugo Bostwick: Who's there? My stun gun is fully charged, and I've got an itchy trigger finger! And an itchy scalp, but that's eczema, and frankly none of your business. (Goes into hall.) I know you're there. I can hear you. I've got you surrounded. Assume the position! (The intruder tries to open a door but it's locked. Hugo suddenly rounds the corner and points his flashlight at the door, but there's only a cat on the floor in front of it.) Hugo Bostwick: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This is a restricted area. No quadrupeds past six p.m. Title Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: I'm a pretty stubborn guy. I think most people would just give up trying to date the girl of their dreams if they got turned into a werewolf. Not me. I'm like Wile E. Coyote chasing the roadrunner. I just don't give up. (Locker hall. Tommy sees Stacey at her locker and goes over to her.) Tommy Dawkins: Hey, Stace! Stacey Hanson: Hi. Tommy Dawkins: Hey, you wanna go to The Factory tonight? Stacey Hanson: Um, I can't. I've cheerleading practice. Tommy Dawkins: Okay, tomorrow night, then. You know, maybe we can... Stacey Hanson: Tommy, I just don't think this is working out. Um, I really like you. It's just that, well, don't you think that it would be better if we were just friends? Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: No! No! Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah. That... That'd probably work. Yeah, well, see you later. (Merton has seen what happened and comes over to Tommy and pats him on the shoulder) Tommy Dawkins: Friends! She said she just wants to be friends. Merton Dingle: Ah, the familiar stench of rejection! Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Tommy Dawkins: How? Merton Dingle: It's all a matter of experience. Lemme give you a little demonstration. Oh, hey, Debbie, how about you and me, you know, maybe...? Debbie: Dream on, loser! Merton Dingle: See? After years of intense conditioning, I don't feel a thing. Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, but this isn't just ordinary rejection, Merton. This is rejection by the girl of my dreams! I mean, I can't even look at other girls without having... (Carole Lefevre walks along the corridor and Tommy and Merton are stunned and stare as she walks past. She looks back at Tommy.) Tommy Dawkins: Wow! Merton Dingle: I believe the technical term is "yowza"! Tommy Dawkins: Dude, who is that girl? (In biology class at 9:01) Mrs. Gristle: Class, say hello to our new foreign exchange student: Carole LaSeverine. (Students wolf-whistle her as she walks in) Carole Lefevre: It's Carole Lefevre. Mrs. Gristle: Whatever, dear. Ah, Carole needs a lab partner. Do I have a volunteer? Merton Dingle: Too bad we're partnered up, cuz she... (Tommy shoves Merton off his chair and puts up his hand) Tommy Dawkins: I need a partner! Mrs. Gristle: Thank You, Tommy Dawkins. (Carole walks past Merton and sits next to Tommy. Merton sneezes.) Mrs. Gristle: Oh, oh, oh. Looks like we have an odd man out. Travis: (Sticking up hand.) We need a partner, Mrs. Gristle! (Taps Tim to wake him up.) Check your oil. Tim: (Waking up.) Yes? Mrs. Gristle: Merton, why don't you work with Tim and Travis? You can help them with their oral presentation on primitive life-forms this Friday. Merton Dingle: Oh, that shouldn't be too hard. All they have to do is show up! Tommy Dawkins: (To Carole.) Hi, I'm Tommy. I'll be, uh, well, I'll be dissecting your mouse this morning. Carole Lefevre: (Chuckling.) You're very funny, Tommy. You have a certain je ne sais quoi. Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah. (Cafeteria) Tommy Dawkins: Hey, ah, what does "je ne sais quoi" mean? Merton Dingle: "I don't know what." Tommy Dawkins: Ah, you don't know either, huh? Merton Dingle: I know what it means. Tommy Dawkins: So, tell me. Merton Dingle: "I don't know what." Tommy Dawkins: Would you make up your mind! Merton! (Sees Carole sitting alone.) Let's forget about it. Why don't you stand here and watch the Docinator in action? Merton Dingle: Yeah, yeah. (Tommy walks over to Carole. TNT walk over to Merton.) Travis: Hey, Dingle, ready to help us with our presentation? Merton Dingle: I never agreed to that. Actually, I'm pursuing a solo project. Tim: Look, don't let us down, Dingle! You help us, we'll help you. Merton Dingle: You'll help me? Really? Yeah, great. Yeah, I'll give you a call when I need to know the difference between a suplex and a piledriver, okay? Tim: Okay. (Merton turns to walk away and crashes into a big, tall student) Student: You got a problem? Merton Dingle: No, no, I do not. And I want to be emphatic about the... (Travis puts his hand over Merton's face and pulls him back. TNT confront the student.) Travis: Yeah, he's got a problem! Tim: He's gotta big problem! You! And we're the solution. Travis: (Pushing student.) So get lost! Tim: Take a hike, little man! (The student is intimidated and walks away. Merton puts his hands on TNT's shoulders from behind.) Merton Dingle: I think we might be able to work something out! Tommy Dawkins: Carole, what does "je ne sais quoi" mean? Carole Lefevre: It is what we say to the kind of students that cannot be described. Like that special feeling between two people? Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Okay, I know Don Juan, but that was obviously a come on. Tommy Dawkins: Ahem... Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: And I knew I had to throw a sexy line right back at her. Tommy Dawkins: So, how do you like our school so far? Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: That wasn't it! (Debbi and Stacey are walking down the hallway) Debbie: You told him what? Stacey Hanson: That I just wanted to be friends. Every time we go out, he bails on me. I mean, I don't know. What was I supposed to do? Debbie: Well... (They enter the cafeteria. Debbie nudges Stacey and motions over the where Tommy is sitting with Carole.) Debbie: Remember, guys like Tommy Dawkins don't stay single for long. (Dawkins' residence. Sally is washing up after dinner and Tommy is helping dry the dishes.) Tommy Dawkins: This girl is gorgeous! And she's from France. Sally Dawkins: Oh, wow, that's nice. And what about Stacey? Tommy Dawkins: She said she just wants to be friends. Sally Dawkins: And you're all right with that? Bob Dawkins: (Sitting at dining table behind them.) Of course he's all right. My boy is just playing the field. Sally Dawkins: Bob! Tommy Dawkins: No, I think... I'm okay with it. Yeah, um, it's okay. (Tommy sits down and a cat jumps onto his lap and meows) Sally Dawkins: Oh, a cat showed up earlier today. Such a cute little thing! Bob Dawkins: So, does this French Mademoiselle have a name, Tommy? Tommy Dawkins: Oh, yeah! Her name is Carole. Bob Dawkins: Ooh, la la! But you're not giving up on those all-American cheerleading types, now, are you? (Tommy pets the cat and it purrs) Tommy Dawkins: Nope, I'll never give up on the cheerleading types. (The cat meows and jumps off his lap) Bob Dawkins: That's my boy! Sally Dawkins: I'm sure you'll figure it out, sweetie. Just make sure you don't break two hearts. Dean Dawkins: (Sitting in lounge room.) Heh, heh! I smell a catfight! Sally Dawkins: Dean, you're not helping. Dean Dawkins: I'm watching Jerry Springer, Mom. (Tommy opens the back door and puts down a bowl of milk for the cat, which comes outside) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: What's the point of not giving up on Stacey if she's already given up on me? At least Carole and I have je ne sais quoi! And I think that's good. (Tommy goes inside. The cat transforms into Carole. She turns around and meows.) (Carole is watching the cheerleaders practice from the stands) Cheerleaders: We are the best by far! Go Badgers! Stacey Hanson: That was really good! We might be a little louder. Um... (Seeing Carole.) Can we help you? Carole Lefevre: Yes, I would like to be the cheerleader type. Debbie: I'm afraid cheerleading is very difficult. I mean, could you do this? (Does some cartwheels.) Carole Lefevre: (Kicking off her shoes.) Can you do that? (She jumps and does a number of backwards somersaults) Stacey Hanson: Wow! Wow! Tommy Dawkins: (Walking in.) Wow! Holy wow! You're just like Jackie Chan! Only .. and a female. (She puts her arm in his and they walk away together) (Cafeteria. Merton is sitting between TNT and blowing bubbles in his gravy through a straw.) Merton Dingle: Our story begins some twenty million years ago. The earth is a violent cauldron of bubbling gases. (Holds up a pea.) The first amphibious creature crawls his way out of the primordial ooze! Tim: Was it Godzilla? Merton Dingle: Yes, she was Godzilla. Godzilla climbed out of the primordial ooze and made a beeline for Kyoto and started eating subway cars. (Puts pea in Tim's mouth.) Travis: So where's p... P... Primitive... Merton Dingle: Mm-hmm? Travis: ...beings now? Merton Dingle: Well, theoretically they're extinct, but, you know, that's all thanks to evolution. Tim: What is that, again? Merton Dingle: Ah, the process where each generation (holds up a pea) Grows more intelligent (holds up a carrot in other hand) And better equipped (holds up a mushroom) Than the previous one. Travis: I always knew he had a leg up on mom and dad! Merton Dingle: Again, this is all theoretical. Tim: Travis, that means TMT Junior are gonna be smarter than we are! Travis: Yeah! Merton Dingle: .. forces of nature .. (Stacey comes up to Tommy who's at his locker) Stacey Hanson: Hi, Tommy! You know about what I said the other day? I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I was thinking that, you know, if you weren't doing anything tonight, maybe you wanted to see a movie and start over? Tommy Dawkins: Ah, yeah, yeah, I'd love to, but I already made plans tonight. I'm meeting with my biology partner. Stacey Hanson: Biology? Um, okay. Maybe some other time? Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah, I'd like that. Stacey Hanson: Yeah... (Walks away.) (Merton's lair. Becky walks in.) Becky Dingle: Hey, Dawson's freak? You've got company. Travis: (Walking in with Tim behind.) Hey, study buddy! Whoa! This place is creepy! Merton Dingle: What are you doing here?! Travis: Oh, we're here for a study session, partner. Tim's still a little confused about the whole Godzilla connection. Tim: Do you mind making us nachos? I can't think on an empty stomach. Merton Dingle: Okay, I explained this before. I do all the talking, you just stand there and nod! Travis: (Picking up a skull.) Whoa, you killed a guy! Merton Dingle: Okay, hands off the cranial artifact! Travis: (Opening up the weapons closet.) Whoa, you didn't tell me you were a soldier of fortune, Dingle! (Picks up a bazooka) My uncle Zinc can probably get you a gig when he gets off the island. Merton Dingle: Island? What island? Travis: Alcatraz! Yee-ha! Merton Dingle: Okay, Alcatraz has been closed for, like, forty years! Travis: Whatever, Dingle. Becky Dingle: (Coming in.) Uh, who's driving the yellow pickup truck with naked lady mud flaps? Travis: That'll be us! Tim: Going for a ride, little Dingle? Merton Dingle: Hey, that's my sister. Becky Dingle: Yeah, whatever. My dad was just wondering if you could, like, not park it on the front lawn. Merton Dingle: Call nine-one-one! (The Factory. Carole finishes a glass of milk. Tommy comes holding two milkshakes.) Tommy Dawkins: Well, they were all out of milk, but I got you a milkshake instead. I hope that's okay? (Debbie, Stacey, and their friends are sitting at a table) Debbie: So, Tommy's studying biology tonight? Sure it isn't chemistry he's working on? (They all see Tommy with Carole) Stacey Hanson: Well, maybe I should try a little study session myself! (Gets up.) Carole Lefevre: So, Tommy, is it wrong to say we have animal attraction? Tommy Dawkins: No, no, I'd say that's exactly what we have: Animal attraction. (Stacey grabs a guy sitting near hear and drags him onto the dancefloor. Tommy sees them.) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Jealousy! That'll wolf you out everytime! (Tommy's eyes glow yellow. He keeps staring at Stacey.) Carole Lefevre: Tommy. Tommy! Tommy Dawkins: Yeah? Carole Lefevre: Are you listening? Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. It's not. Yeah. (Carole looks with cat eyes at Stacey. Tommy looks down and sees his hands have wolfed out and quickly hides them. Carole looks down and sees her hands have catted out and hides them.) Carole Lefevre: I... I... I must go now. (Tommy gets up and super-speeds out. Carole does the same thing.) (Tommy arrives at a cemetery wolfed-out and howls) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Being a werewolf is like having a built-in lie detector. Just when I thought I was over Stacey, the wolf told me I was wrong. (Carole catted-out jumps on a gravestone nearby and meows. Tommy looks at her and growls.) (Merton's lair. Tommy enters back in human form.) Tommy Dawkins: Dude, I need to talk to you. (Sees nobody there.) Yo, Merton, where you at, man? (Merton is in a puppet theater. He holds out a gorilla hand puppet.) Merton Dingle: Thomas D! (Makes the puppet fart.) Tommy Dawkins: What's this? Merton Dingle: Well, my, uh, study session with TNT was reduced to soft puppet theater. Although it was nice to see that Wallace the chimp hasn't missed a step since performing Planet of the Apes at Becky's third-grade party! Tommy Dawkins: I just came back from The Factory. Actually, I just came back from the cemetery, and... Oh, yeah, I just ran into a catwoman! That's not what I want to talk to you about, actually. I wanted to... Merton Dingle: (Stunned.) Aah! A catwoman? A feline, female lycanthrope?! Tommy Dawkins: Anyway... I saw Stacey dancing with this guy, right? So, naturally I got jealous, and I started to wolf out. And then it hit me: I'm not over Stacey yet. Merton Dingle: We interrupt this soap opera for a special bulletin about a catwoman! Come on, Tommy! Did she have any evil characteristics? Was she a predator? Is she hot? Come on, we need a game plan! Tommy Dawkins: No, I know what I gotta do now. I... (Taps temples.) Merton Dingle: Yeah, pray that the feline fiend doesn't go after the good women and men of Pleasantville like so many tens of Fancy Feast! Tommy Dawkins: No! Jeez, Merton. I have to tell Carole that it's over! Thanks, buddy! (Leaves.) Merton Dingle: (Holding up Wallace.) Is it me, Wallace? (Cafeteria. Tommy is standing not far from where Carole is sitting alone.) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Okay, time to make a nice, clean break. Don't be distracted by how hot she is. (He sits next to her.) Just do your thing, and don't let her... Carole Lefevre: Tommy, I am so sorry I left early last night. Tommy Dawkins: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Happens to me all the time, trust me. Carole Lefevre: We still have .. to .., yes? Tommy Dawkins: Well... No. I'm really sorry. I shoulda told you this a long time ago. See, there's this other girl, and I'm just not over her yet. (Carole looks shocked and gets up and walks away) Tommy Dawkins: I... You know, we... We can still be friends, right? (Merton's in the locker hallway, swinging a small, black coffin on a chain. Becky comes up to him.) Becky Dingle: What smells? Oh, you reek! Listen, I don't know what you do in the bathroom every morning for a half an hour, but it's certainly not showering. Merton Dingle: No, no, no. Look. (Pulls out and holds up a fish.) It's a fish! Becky Dingle: Oh! Merton Dingle: Yeah, I'm using as bait! There's a catwoman on the loose in Pleasantville. A feline lycanthrope! A werecat, if you will. Becky Dingle: Um, I won't. Merton Dingle: Scoff all you want, but until we know her true intentions, no .. Becky Dingle: Later, party-in-one. (Walks away.) (Carole comes past and Merton stares at her. Carole looks at him with glowing cat's eyes. Merton recognizes her. She walks away. He sneezes.) Merton Dingle: (To himself.) Wait a minute! The only thing I'm allergic to is... (He starts to go after her but runs into TNT) Travis: Where're you going, Dingle? We've got a presentation you do! Tim: Yeah, I made charts! (Points at chart.) Travis: Godzilla! Yeah, that's... You know, start without me, okay? Yeah, I got something I gotta take care of. Just... You guys go, I'll be there for the encore. (TNT walk away.) Yeah! (Merton sees a cat walk through the doors. Tim slams a student against the lockers with one arm.) Travis: Timothy! Tim: He's started it! (Merton runs after the cat) (Cheerleading practice) Stacey Hanson: Okay, so a few more? Okay. (Stacey does some practice moves. Carole as a cat enters and sees Stacey, changes into human form, and leaps down in front of Stacey on the mat.) Stacey Hanson: Oh, hi, Carole. Carole Lefevre: Stay away from Tommy! Stacey Hanson: I really don't think that's any of your business! (She claws Stacey's face.) Carole Lefevre: Well, I make it my business! Stacey Hanson: Ow! (Cafeteria. Tommy has his face on the table. Merton comes up.) Merton Dingle: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy Dawkins: What? Merton Dingle: It's Carole! She is the Catwoman! Tommy Dawkins: How do you know? Merton Dingle: Every time she's around I sneeze, her eyes are glowing! Oh, and this minor detail: Um, when I chased after her, she transformed into a cat! Tommy Dawkins: Oh, well, that's cool! Merton Dingle: "Cool"? No, Tommy, not cool, potentially deadly! According to Professor Flugelhoff, catwomen are known for three things: Extreme strength, extraordinary agility, and intense jealousy. Tommy Dawkins: Jealousy? Merton Dingle: Major jealousy. I mean, look at Paul Schrader's disappointing nineteen eighty-two remake of Cat People. Tommy Dawkins: What happened? Merton Dingle: Well, some say Schrader lost the true vision of the original... Tommy Dawkins: No, no, no. In the movie. What happened in the movie? Merton Dingle: Well, when a catwoman was spurned by a man, she stalked his new girlfriend with unstoppable feline fury. Tommy Dawkins: You know what I just did? Merton Dingle: (Drinking a glass of milk.) What? Tommy Dawkins: I told Carole that I didn't want to see anymore because of Stacey! (Merton spits out his milk) Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, exactly. Let's go! (They run out) (Back in the gymnasium, Stacey fights with Carole and punches and kicks her a few times. Carole jumps on a rope and spins at super speed and jumps off catted out. She pins Stacey to the ground as Merton and Tommy enter the door.) Merton Dingle: Aren't you gonna attack, Fido? Tommy Dawkins: I can't attack that! No, man! Merton Dingle: Yeah, she's also using Stacey as a chew toy! Come on, sic her, boy! Sic her! (Tommy wolfs out and rushes over to pull Carole off Stacey. Merton climbs the wall ladder.) Merton Dingle: Get in there! Get in there! (Tommy pulls Carole off and pushes her away. He then offers his hand to Stacey.) Tommy Dawkins: It's okay. (Stacey takes his hand and he pulls her up. She puts her hands on his face.) Stacey Hanson: Who are you? Tommy Dawkins: Don't worry about. Just get outta here. (She runs away) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Call me old-fashioned, but I just don't hit girls. (Carole jumps on Tommy's back and they tumble to the floor. They roll and Tommy gets on top.) Merton Dingle: A little cat, dude! (She kicks Tommy back into a basketball hoop) Merton Dingle: Yeah, nothing but butt! Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Of course, this was no ordinary girl. (Carole jumps over to a wall and then onto Tommy) Merton Dingle: (Holding cheerleading pom-poms.) Go Tommy! Go Tommy! Go Tommy! Carole Lefevre: You're Tommy? Tommy Dawkins: Ah, yeah. Carole Lefevre: I am Carole. Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, I know. (Tommy transforms back into human form, and so does Carole) Carole Lefevre: So, you are...? Tommy Dawkins: a werewolf? Yeah. And you're a... Kelly. Merton Dingle: She's no lady! She's a diabolical, shape-shifting... Tommy Dawkins: Merton! Please. Carole Lefevre: Tommy, I... I'm sorry to be jealous about Stacey. Tommy Dawkins: Nah, it's okay. I mean... Carole Lefevre: Now I know why it would not work between us. Tommy Dawkins: Yeah, it's too bad, huh? I mean, we made pretty good bio partners. (They both smile.) Merton Dingle: Bio partners? I'm dead! (Runs out the doors.) Carole Lefevre: Oh well. Tommy Dawkins: Yeah. (Carole kisses his cheek then runs out as a cat) (Bio class) Tim: So that's how we evolved from meatloaf... Travis: To Godzilla. (Students laugh) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: The class really seemed to enjoy Tim and Travis's bio presentation. (Tim cries on Travis' shoulder) Travis: I hope you're satisfied! Tommy Dawkins: Mrs. Gristle gave them an F, but they did learn an important lesson about evolution: Survival of the fittest. (TNT catch Merton in the hallway and lift him up and shake him) (Tommy is reading a postcard in the cafeteria) Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Carole wasn't such a bad person. She even sent me a postcard from New York. She got an acting job in some musical about cats. (Stacey sits down next to him) Tommy Dawkins: Hi. Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: I can't remember what it's called. And as for me and Stacey, well, maybe being friends isn't such a bad idea. Tommy Dawkins: You wanna do something Friday night? Tommy Dawkins Voiceover: Who am I kidding? Did Wile E. Coyote give up that easy? (Stacey leans her head on his shoulder and Tommy wraps an arm around her) Tommy Dawkins: Yeah! Category:Transcripts